This page was updated 11/20/2007

Today we remember all those we have lost to death,

Their dying remembered in our living, their lives not lost to us,

Though we do not have them near us in the old ways we loved.

Family and friends, even fond pets, live in us today as memories,

And we are caught short for a time, saddened, and feel ourselves lost.

Heroes, real or literary, also live in our memories,

Stirring our hearts and minds to noble and courageous deeds.

Remembering hardly seems enough, especially for some who died.

My Mother and her Mother join me every Sunday

As I stand at this pulpit, for they are my guardians and solace.

I miss them in ways that cannot be put into words, only tears,

Yet I would not have them still with me, so sick with cancer and so aged.

That would be cruel and selfish of me, and like Whitman,

I sing a carol of joy for the quick death, merciful death.

Yet I cannot let them go easily, and so I bring them to mind frequently.

So many people who no longer walk with me on this earth

Continue to walk with me in my mind, and as I age, their number increases.

I will not let them go; I miss them too much.

So I greet them in the ways left to me,

And I give thanks they remain alive to me – still alive to me. AMEN.

We are all living with dying. This is infinitely better than to be dying rather than living, as are too many people. The increasing rates of depression and our preoccupation with violence and consumerism, each in their way, are psychological expressions of dissatisfaction with our lives. We die -- not so much when our bodies cease to function – we die when we cease to be alive to life, to love, to joy. Yes, this is a quiet and slow form of death, so much so that we can easily hide it from our conscious mind. It is not physical death that we should fear, but the death of love and joy in our hearts.

1 Dying is part of living

Dying, as the Unitarian poet of Democracy Walt Whitman so eloquently and even joyfully proclaimed, is an integral part of living, not to be denied. We should not deny that people die, nor should we deny that this is good, given the alternative – to live forever in a ridiculously overcrowded world. Yes, we must find a way to praise death, but not too easily or simply.

"Death is easy, comedy is hard" is an old line popular among actors. Surely the first part is true, and at least for Al Gore and me, the second part is also true! Death has become too hard for people these days. Since we no longer experience it in the course of daily life, as our ancestors did, we find it unusual, even foreign or unnatural. But death is as natural as life, of course. I have had close family and friends die, and I have served others as they travel the grief journey through the death of a loved one, family or friend. I have comforted those who lost heroes and others they did not know personally but who meant so much to them, and I have held children crying over a dead pet.

I’m not so sure I want to go back to old days when the family’s women dressed the corpse and placed it in the parlor while family and neighbors came by to pay their respects, bringing food and comfort in equal measures. Fifty years before my birth, a great many Americans faced death in this way, so intimate and personal. I am confident that most people would feel better if we experienced the death of those we love more personally and intimately than in the typical funeral home setting. The church can be helpful here, providing a respectful place for memories to begin their work.

On a practical note, we have prepared several documents for you. There are copies of the Living Will and of the Durable Power of Attorney for Healthcare. These documents give you some (often limited) control over your last hours. There is also a page for you to begin thinking about the choices for the service commemorating your life. Consider having your service here at the Meetinghouse. It is warmer, friendlier, and cheaper than a funeral home.

Do not think these are bothersome, scary, or even slimy, horrible things. They can spark some of the deepest and most important conversations you will ever have with yourself and the people closest to you. There is little better gift to family and friends at the time of your death than some clear instructions and simple statements reflecting your life and interests. Take them home and study them. Make copies for your doctors and other such folk, your intimate family and/or friends, and bring copies to the church.

You can always talk to me about these issues. While I have some clear opinions about my future, I am more laid back and non-intrusive than usual about this topic. There are many complications to dying in the modern world. It’s almost as bad as trying to read the instructions to program a VCR.

We all possess a life force striving to live, to continue to live, to persevere despite all the threats that confront us. Nicholas Berdyaev said:

We live in life the experience of death, though not the final experience of it. And we cannot be reconciled to death – to the death neither of human beings nor of animals, plants, things or houses. The striving for eternity of all that exists is the essence of life. And yet eternity is reached only by passing through death, and death is the destiny of everything that exists in the world. The higher and more complex a being is, the more it is threatened with death.

This repeats the idea Dylan Thomas described in his poem, "Do Not Go Gentle Into That Good Night." We are all striving for eternity in the sense that we do not want to die; we do not seek death as a goal. What’s more, it is not life we seek, but an abundant life, rich and full life. John puts this thought into the words of Jesus, "I am come that they might have life, and that they might have it more abundantly." [John 10:10] As human beings (like all living creatures, even the simplest plants), we try to live, to do what we do, whatever that may be. (I hope to get to the topic of work before the year ends, for I think it gives meaning and purpose to life, especially to human life.)

None of us experiences death, for death is the end of experience, after which there are no experiences – at least none we can know. Yet we do recognize that our life experiences are coming to an end, that we shall cease to be. We are not sure other animals are conscious of this ironic experience, but we know humans are. Despite our efforts, life ends. We are capable of acknowledging this, ignoring it, or protesting against it – but not avoiding it!

Forrest Church, minister of All Souls Church in New York and a prolific and accomplished author and preacher, defines religion this way: "Religion is our human response to the dual reality of being alive and having to die." You see, religion is not just, or simply, a response to life, much less to belief and morality -- never has been and probably never will be. No, religion is a far more complex human invention, the shared sigh we all sigh when we think of loved ones leaving and our own lives ending. It is not just personal, although it seems that way at times. Since we all suffer death, and during our lives we experience the death of some of those we love, we have somehow managed several common responses to the awareness of death – but not to death itself, which is its own response, I suppose we could say.

Religion – spirituality -- demands first an awareness. Eastern religions make this clearer than do Western religions. We ignore this insight at our own peril. Forrest says that religion is our response to the awareness of both death and life, and I remind you that it is not a simple response. Oh, we might have a knee-jerk reaction as death threatens us or those we love, but there are many more reactions to come. This is why grief counseling and several movements and psychologists have been so helpful to us. Our reactions to death are complex and even contradictory, and we each personalize these reactions to a minor extent. Yet all who work with grieving people find common threads. These common threads are the beginnings of religion. Do not think they are all that religion is about. Religion discovered that this response to death is part of a larger package!

Spirituality I describe as the first and most personal response to awe and wonder at the universe, a sensation of being part of something larger than ourselves, whether it is the universe or a close relationship, like that of mother and child. Religion, on the other hand, is the collective response to these feelings. Religion organizes these responses and creates ways to handle these emotions. These ways are called liturgies and worship. Organized responses work best when they are reinforced by the larger community – at first clans and tribes, later national groups. While we process all these responses according to our individual spiritual sensitivity, we do all this spiritual work in the context of our religious community or religious culture.

They say that all New York City residents are Jews, for the Jews created what we might call "the culture of Manhattan." In this sense, all Americans are Christians, for that is the religion of our culture. Even immigrants practicing their native religion who come to our shores become to some extent Protest Christians, using the Puritans and New England churches as a model of "American religion." As I learned in the sociology of religion class, European Catholics accuse American Catholics of being Protestants! Religion is a shared spirituality, where we recognize the common threads of our personal consciousness in our family, friends, and neighbors.

Furthermore, unlike spirituality, religion has an agenda, contains beliefs and practices meant to teach one these shared responses and the beliefs and processes necessary for us to make sense of our personal thoughts and experiences. Our personal reaction to the awareness of our own death can be overwhelming. But our religion teaches us ways to handle this, and so many other experiences, so that we are not paralyzed with fear or indecision.

Our modern religious forms are not as effective as ancient religions –why fundamentalists do well -- but modern religions are doing better because a greater number of people recognize the common threads of modern life are shared. So what do we moderns believe, and how do those beliefs prepare us for facing "the dual reality of being alive and having to die"?

First, I think, we moderns accept the fact that we are not the center of the universe – creation does not exist for our benefit. Modern pagans remind us of this ancient wisdom , but the modern view is not quite pagan, buttressed as it is by science – the greatest teacher of humility – as those space photos from Hubble and "the blue-green planet Earth" photo remind us.

We moderns know we are part of a continuum that is the universe. We are stardust, and we breathe the breath of thousands of creatures who came before us. We are not alone, and this is not simply a fact but a great and wonderful awareness of life. Our life is our share – limited yet all the more amazing because of that – our share of the larger whole. We are "part and parcel of the universe" (Emerson). Our individual lives are not separate or distinct from the universe, but all lives are particular examples of life – our examples. For all that, we are not a separate kind of being.

Death is not the end of all that we value and think worthy of human interest, dedication, and sacrifice. Death ends a personal participation in life, and as such it is painful and challenges our beliefs and identities. Our modern, liberal faith is that these values and beliefs (peace, justice, mercy, honor, hope, and love) are greater than any one of us, though we love particular people in ways we can never love abstract ideas, even the idea of love itself. We do not love love, we love individuals, and we shall miss them when they leave us. We shall miss them so much that our lives are changed.

All this is part of a modern religious understanding and practice that includes death. We invite you to think and talk about death, not as an academic or abstract idea, but as a part of your living. For dying is part of our living, the final part, and rarely not the most important part – at least I hope not. May you find ways to face "the dual reality of being alive and having to die" without losing your way. May this congregation and religious movement support you, nurture you, and when the time comes, remember you. Each one of you is part of me, part of all I hope to be and accomplish. When my time comes, as it shall surely come, may you celebrate what I have contributed to our common joys and sorrows. May you reach out to my family and friends, and may you find in my life something positive. Meantime, may I help you remember all those who have gone ahead, personal friends, neighbors, strangers, heroes – everyone worthy of remembering. AMEN.

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