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This page was updated 03/10/2008
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"Civility and Kindness"
The Rev’d Dr. Jay
E. Abernathy, Jr.
UU Congregation of Fort Wayne, IN
January 12, 2008
READING: Michael Ignatieff (pp. 141-2, 138).
We need justice, we need liberty, and we need as much solidarity as can be reconciled with justice and liberty. But we also need, as much as anything else, language adequate to the times we live in. We need to see how to live now and we can only see with words and images which leave us no escape into nostalgia for some other time and place.
We need words to keep us human. Being human is an accomplishment like playing an instrument. It takes practice. The keys must be mastered. The old scores must be committed to memory. It is a skill we can forget. A little noise can make us forget the notes. The best of us is historical; the best of us is fragile. Being human is a second nature which history taught us, and which terror and deprivation can batter us into forgetting. {as can success and excess}
[a list of needs required to keep us human] …
Of all the needs I have mentioned the one which raises this problem of the adequacy of language in its acutest form is the need for fraternity, social solidarity, for civic belonging. Needs can only live when the language which expresses them is adequate to the times. Words like fraternity, belonging and community are so soaked with nostalgia and utopianism that they are nearly useless as guides to the real possibilities of solidarity in modern society. Modern life has changed the possibilities of civic solidarity, and our language stumbles behind like an overburdened porter with a mountain of old [suit]cases.
READING: Prayer at home for Yom Kippur (Reformed)
As we begin the Day of Atonement, I pray for forgiveness of any unworthy deeds which I have done. May I have the strength to approach those whom I have offended, that we may become reconciled. Save me from complacency, lord. Help me to rise beyond the level of the self. May this day lead me to reconciliation with those whom I have hurt, and with You, Master of Mercy. Grant me atonement; cleanse my heart, that I may serve You faithfully.
PRAYER: JEA
I invite you to consider civility and kindness as religious virtues—
Virtues as important in their own way as peace and justice
And all the other great and noble virtues.
Let us be kind to one another, civil and proper in our discourse.
There is an honesty and integrity in these actions,
If our morality is true all the way through our character,
And not just a costume we put on to impress others.
Let us be thoughtful and considerate, for this, too, will lead to justice.
Let us be attentive to the needs of others; this, too, brings peace.
May we be moral all the way through, and not just on the surface.
May we also be moral sincerely and honestly, even in the small virtues.
AMEN.
"Civility and Kindness"
Perhaps Christ when on earth won the hearts of publicans and sinners more by his gentle manners and offices of kindness, when he ate and drank with them, than by exhibiting his miracles.
When William Ellery Channing preached this sentiment to his congregation, the Society on Federal Street in Boston during the early decades of the 1800’s, some people were scandalized that he put down the miracles attributed to Jesus. He meant no such thing, however, for this early defender of Unitarian Christianity always believed in the miracles, even after others were moving to new beliefs. No, Channing was making an even more important point, the single issue that made him the most important minister of our movement and the most famous and influential preacher of his time.
Channing preached in a contentious time, when Federalist Boston opposed Presidents Jefferson and Madison. Many New Englanders tried to dissolve the Union because of their policies and the War of 1812. While Channing was a strong Federalist in this period, preaching to a wealthy Boston congregation, he was a fervent supporter of the Union, frequently at odds with his more conservative congregation.
No, Channing didn’t gain his reputation by his social or political opinions. He preached a rational and religious approach to kindness and goodness. His every sermon urged people to be kind, generous, and sensitive to others. Even his sermons against war were based on a moral repugnance of violence and the horrors of war, not unrestrained pacifism.
1. New Year’s Resolutions
One of my favorite readings for Christmas is the following little prayer by the Rev’d Dr. Frank Schulman. It is a balanced prayer, reminding us that in the crush of the holidays, we should remember the little things. It seems a perfect version of a minister’s New Year’s Resolutions:
I wish for the dull a little understanding, and for the understanding a little poetry. I wish a heart for the rich and a little bread for the poor. I wish some love for the lonely and some comfort for the grieved. I wish companionship for those who must spend their evenings alone. I wish contentment for the aged, who see the days slipping by too quickly, and I wish dreams for the young. I wish strength for the weak and courage for those who have lost their faith. And I wish we might all be a little kinder to each other .
I, too, wish "we might all be a little kinder to each other," more civil in our relations. After the campaigns, after the heated words against immigrants, liberals, and those opposed to smoking, and after the short tempers, rude comments, pushing and shoving accompanying anyone's trip shopping—after all the casual disregard, deliberate meanness, and intolerant actions—let us all try to be a little kinder to one another.
Like Channing, I believe that a minister’s task is to encourage kindness and goodness. These topics are seldom heard these days; they seem too old-fashioned or something. It’s not politically correct to preach against anything, not even war, without social and political arguments. Channing, however, preached a moral and spiritual position; if we are to be moral persons, we shall be kind and civil to others, else we are hypocrites.
2. Kindness
Those of us who remember the violence of the civil rights era ought to know that the increasing violence and social divisions in our nation are not aberrations in our national character. We remember the anger and ill-will efforts to integrate the South brought out in otherwise normal people.
In contrast I want to speak for kindness. Many people, of opposite sides, assumed the "right" to yell indignantly at the past two Presidents after they won election, promising future vengeance. But I want to encourage a different attitude. In response to setbacks personal and social, I urge you to forgiveness and kindness, and in all encounters with those who disagree with you, a civility and propriety that reminds folks we are all members of a free and democratic society, not a kindergarten debating club.
When I was in Naples, students in a nearby community college tried to start a club to support "Random Acts of Kindness." Kindness is the "poor relation" in most tomes on ethics, personal relationships, and social responsibility. Yet I believe it is the grease without which the machinery of social intercourse cannot run smoothly. It seems that we can barely be kind to family anymore, much less neighbors, friends, or, God forbid, perfect strangers (or, imperfect strangers!).
This is not accidental. Today reactionary forces are arrayed against all those who wish to break down old tribal taboos, who seek to reach out toward a wider and more inclusive human family, not back to the days when tribal allegiance was more important than justice, fairness, or human kindness. Oddly enough, folks who want to be kinder toward more people incite the wrath of the religious majority in our nation. How can that be? The sad situation is that too many pulpits in this nation are neither kind nor civil.
3. Civility
There is a word for the goal of peaceful intercourse among different tribes and groups of people. It is civility, and it comes from the same root as our word for citizenship and civilization. It describes the relationship between people who share a common citizenship and seek to act in a civilized manner. It is related to the word city, the setting where these ideas developed.
In the city, especially trading cities, peoples of differing tribal, ethnic, and religious backgrounds came together for their common benefit. Over time there developed the opinion that a shared structure of cooperation and mutual respect could be created. It would not depend on a common tribal or religious basis, for trade was mutually beneficial.
I am describing secular society, of course. Rising first in North Italian towns in the late Middle Ages, this became the Enlightenment. Secular society, contrary to common belief, is not a society with no religion, but a society in which many religions may coexist in mutual tolerance, respect, and peace. Secular society is the statement that we can be kind and gentle to one another, maintain justice and civil peace, and promote education and human development while differing in our ethnic identities and religious commitments. This belief in civilization does not rely upon homogeneity, authoritarian control, or religious, social, and personal uniformity for its reliable functioning. It relies on a positive opinion of our human possibilities. Let me tell you a popular story from Zen Buddhism of Japan.
Two monks on a pilgrimage came to the ford of a river. There they saw a girl dressed in all her finery, obviously not knowing what to do since the river was high and she did not want to spoil her clothes. Without more ado, one of the monks took her on his back, carried her across and put her down on dry ground on the other side.
Then the monks continued on their way. But the other monk after an hour started complaining, "Surely it is not right to touch a woman; it is against the commandments to have close contact with women. How could you go against the rules of monks?"
The monk who had carried the girl walked along silently, but finally he remarked, "I set her down by the river an hour ago, why are you still carrying her?"
Carrying along the baggage of traditions, law with no compassion, tribal differences (and the fear and ignorance that lead to prejudice and violence)—carrying along the baggage of fear may be the greatest handicap to human kindness and civility, both in large and small matters. Yet it seems we cannot give them up: they have become part of our identity, as real and as important to us as our education, jobs, and families. We are, each of us in some real way, the mistakes and prejudices of our ancestors. The same is true in small cases as in large. We are made unhappy and uncomfortable by small slights, memories of old hurts, casual responses to serious inquiries of the heart, and uncounted bits of unimportant issues that litter our lives.
4. A personal trash can
We human beings need, as much as anything, a personal trash can that we can empty regularly. We require a constant reminder that we are hurt, limited, constrained by this old baggage: old prejudices, forgotten slights, imagined insults. This is the role of "Confession" and similar religious rituals. It is a ritual of absolution, as is like the Jewish high holiday prayer of Yom Kippur, which is more personal. Most religions have some ritualized manner of forgiving and relieving hurts. Sadly, we UUs do not.
Kindness and civility are the core of a modern, democratic, and pluralistic society. Without them we are at the mercy of every ancient insult, every baseless prejudice, every damaged mind, every warped personality. We must cleanse these old sores from of our personal inventory of actions and opinions, and we must wipe them out of our national politics and society. They are poison as sure and as strong as nuclear bombs or masses of invading armies. If you do not think so, ask the citizens of Baghdad.
Kindness and civility require self-discipline, far more discipline that we liberal advocates of personal freedom and institutional constraints usually encourage. This is a weakness, perhaps the fatal flaw of liberalism we practice it. We assumed, with no evidence, that kindness and civility must follow when we claim love and tolerance as our ideals. Personal freedom and human rights did not automatically lead to kindness and peace, nor to justice and equality. Much hard work remains to be done, and that work requires discipline and commitment.
Freedom is not enough. Kindness and gentleness, peaceful and loving actions must be part of our personal value system and daily lives. They require much personal discipline, no small amount of sacrifice of money and prestige, and serious commitment. Kindness and civility are pleasing to us, and comforting, but they are not easy to practice, even harder to establish as part of our national character. They are not what’s left over after social action and moral outrage. They are what comes first. May we be a kinder and gentler people.
